I Still Haven't Found...

creativity, where art thou?

2011-10-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

I wrote my first poem in a long time the other night. It was to a pretty, pretty woman... I wrote it honestly, I wrote it fast, and I wrote it true... It felt right. Not completely, but it felt...creative.

Over the years, I have found myself using song lyrics and famous author's or poet's quotes to express my own inner struggles, fears, and happiness. What I've found is that I have lost a sense of self, a sense of expression. Maybe this was due to laziness, maybe depression, maybe to the amount of prescription drugs that can sometimes dull my brain. Whatever it is, the expression of life, of being alive has been missing. Song lyrics are great, but when sending song lyrics to a girl, I sometimes feel as if I could have just sent the band over there to tell her. It can be sweet, and meaningful if used in the right situations, and sparsely.

My question lies in the my own lack of passion for creativity. I have passion. This has been shown in several occasions lately, and I love knowing that it still lives inside, if not quite as ready to move as before. Where the words, MY words, that through poetry described a college man struggling to find his way out of his pit of depression, or dreaming of the blond-haired, green-eyed blond in that class in which I wrote her a poem. It was not a good poem, and there was NO way I was going to give it to her, but I wonder what her reaction would have been.

Wait, there are my words... above these. I'm not sure I like them as much as I used to like them. They seem to be masking something... maybe if I keep writing, I'll remove my own mask.

jealousy and insecurity, where the hell do you hide?

2011-09-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

First, I ought not to give jealousy a capital letter, but to keep the title...aw, forget the title. No capital letter for jealousy. While talking to a beautiful woman, she mentions to me how she loves a certain culture. My question had been about her liking Yanni. She responded by describing a certain culture, and when prodded, she did say it was somebody she had dated. She liked the Greek culture, the family, the close-knit bonds of the family. I got quiet, and my insecurities and jealousy simmered to the top. I said just a few words, and they were exactly mean, but a bit sarcastic.

WHERE THE HELL DOES THIS COME FROM?????? WHERE DO MY INSECURITIES AND JEALOUSIES HIDE??? I AM SICK, LITERALLY SICK AT MY STOMACH AT MY REACTION. I HANDLED IT QUICKLY, AND IN MY HEAD, AND I WAS OK BY THE END OF THE EXCHANGE, BUT I HURT HER. SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE HURT ME, BUT NO!!! I DEALT WITH IT... BUT WHERE THE HELL DOES IT COME FROM, WHERE DOES IT HIDE?????

I've had this for so long, and I have come so far, but I am at a loss for what to do. I believe her when she says she is honest about how she feels about her exes, and that right now she is interested in building a friendship, but I am such a jerk!!!! I am going to ruin this before it gets off the ground. I need to pray, I need to pray hard, I need to vomit up this sickness in me and flush it down the drown. I can't hold on to this fear, this disabling fear of not being enough, to not equaling other me. I am a good man, I want to love... i want to be loved. I want to let go of my fear to be loved.

I want to be a better man. SHE makes me want to be a better man. Why I can't grasp onto her words, believe them, and put them into my life, I don't know. But this is now my crisis. My Defcon 2. My 3-Mile Island. I will NOT meltdown. I must fight for my life, and I must win if I am ever to learn to love... I am lost without her. I try to tell her this, but she doesn't believe me.

And so goes another day in the life of my pitiful past, which has reared up and presented me with a battle royale. I have lost several battles after winning some decisive battles. The lost ones have been mounting, and it battling my reserves, my strength. I will survive. I will be new. I will be true. She will not be disappointed. I will show her love. It may not be romantic love, the kind that i want to express. But I must show her true love. Love is patient, love is kind...

Right now I feel broken, but alive. I will not give up. I am still running. I am running on faith. I am running tired, and worn down, feeling dragged down by life. I will not sleep well tonight, and I will not be happy until I know that she is ok. I must get on my knees and pray for wisdom, to know when to speak, and when to listen. I am a mess, and I just want to marry this girl. I must be crazy.

I suppose I need to write this...

2011-04-11T18:19:00.000-05:00

I hope that nobody ever sees this, yet I write it where it can easily be found. If my conclusions are correct, I need to write this to help people understand. I feel death wash over me, like it owns me. The pastor speaks from the pulpit, "The grave is defeated." I feel as if I was being dragged, as each step marks time until I am at peace. Dead. At Peace. Death has allure in those terms, for I am not at peace. I feel the depths of sorrow that no one should know. At times I only seem to exist, not as a person, but as a prop in a play. I am mishandled, abused, laughed at, ridiculed, and often I join in just to add in the humiliation. My friends are friends because they have to be. I am an annoyance, a blowhard, a nuisance, and I seem to make people miserable. All I really want is to have friends, everybody to like me, everybody to just get along. But I can't change, I interrupt, I'm embarrassed by my friends in front of others, and I don't know how to react, so I react childishly, because I am tired of people walking on me, I'm tired of letting people do it for years.

I think that one day I will kill myself. I have to say this, because I can't tell anybody. If I tell anybody, then people just think I want sympathy. If I tell anyone, or go back to the hospital, then I am seen as weak, and it will be used against me. I can't afford the hospital again. I have good insurance, but i don't want to go that route. It doesn't matter. I'm worthless.

sick and tired...of being depressed.

2010-11-18T12:02:00.000-06:00

Not today, at least not right now, anyway. I have too much on my mind to be down, so I am not going to be depressed right now. It seems fairly easy at this moment, so I'll roll with it while I can. I actually haven't thought about it until just a few minutes, which is good.

I'm struggling over whether to get internet right now. I don't have cable, so my outside lines of news and communication are limited to what I can read at work or if I get to the library. The apartments in which i am living are remodeling and reworking the "office area" after a resident vandalized the computers and the room. An estimated completion date has not been revealed.

The issue at hand is finances. Since I have taken on the Dave Ramsey challenge, I have paid off bills and save money by not having internet and cable. However, if I want to watch a football game, I have to go to a sportsbar, and that can get expensive. Anyway, I must debate on this further, but writing it out helps me to process it better.

Sick and tired...and depressed.

2010-11-15T12:09:00.000-06:00

There's something about being sick that REALLY sends me into a mode known as "sickness depression", or basically, depression. The spiraling of the sickness is bad enough, but I sleep so much that my little amount of interaction with people becomes nil, and then I stuck at home, alone. "Alone" being a key word here. No, I don't prefer to have people hovering around me when I'm sick. It's bad enough when I'm shivering and burning up due to fever, but to be alone...

Eh, I'm probably just a crybaby.

Chilly, chili...

2010-10-29T14:43:00.000-05:00

My little buddy Gabe was working on his homework. He was to write sentences involving homophones (no, I'm not homophonic), which are two words that are spelled different, have different meanings, but sound the same.

Overland Park, Kansas, has been chilly, downright cold in the morning. I had to scrape the car windows this morning. The afternoons are cool, but that's alright.

Tuesday, I made chili for the first time. ever. no lie. It was SO good. I think I'll make some more, and soon.

It was chilly, so I decided to make some chili. Hey, maybe I am homophonic!

Random thoughts from a random mind...

2010-01-11T23:48:00.002-06:00

I can't believe the Lovitt's have kids. How amazing is that? Truly a miracle. Believe, right Kim?

*****

I just heard a song by Ray Bingham, called "Crazy Heart." Such a haunting, unforgettable song. Sparse guitar strumming with vocals recalling a strong, raspy voice akin to a Bob Dylan type who sings in tune. I turned my head toward the television when I heard the song start, and like a cat I curiously listened and let myself go with the song.

*****

Maybe I am the lucky one to not be married. Maybe the loneliness is a reasonable exchange for the amount of fear, sorrow, and humiliation that marriage seems to bring. Maybe the loneliness is not an equal experience to that of the chance to love and be loved, grow, mature, and choose to live in a way that a single person can only observe. Maybe I'm just tired, lonely, and want to quit thinking about where I am in my life.

*****

I hate sitting down to write when I have nothing to write about. On the other hand, I hate not sitting down and writing when I do have something to write about. I'm not a very happy person.

A Few Recent Observations

2009-03-10T15:45:00.003-05:00

Observation #1.

Has anyone been watching 'CSI' lately? My humble opinion was that without William Peterson's character, Gil Grissom, the show would start to die. I assumed (quit assuming) the introduction of Laurence Fishburne would bring a heavy handed presence to the show, starting a downward spiral of ratings. Quite the opposite has happened!

Even though I am not sure about the ratings, CSI has taken on a new life, a freshness that was missing. Fishburne's character, Dr. Ray Langston, is an extremely intelligent man who takes a beginner's level position, all in the hope to bring something new to his life. This brings about an eager, yet humble start for this character. It's almost as if Gil Grissom was the father figure, and now Ray Langston has taken a grandfather figure. The biggest difference is that Langston does not lead CSI, he is a Level 1. However, he is a gentle, eager learner, and has already won the respect of his colleagues.

CSI has delved back into the characters, providing more insight into their personalities, and allowing some of the lesser characters to actually have some life. I strongly recommend anyone who was a fan during Gil Grissom to keep watching. CSI is just as strong with Katherine as the leader, and the group is starting to show cohesion much like before Warrick Brown died, and Sara and Gil left. One warning: the show is just a graphic as before, so don't eat right before or during the show.
----------------------------
Observation #2:

U2's new cd, "No Line on the Horizon," has garnered a lot of mixed reviews, with each review VERY opinionated. The reviews are all over the place, but there is a common theme to all of them. It is fairly easy to distinguish the younger critics from the older critics.

The older critics comment on the eccentricities of the new cd, and sounds that are reminiscent of older U2 cds. The cds referenced are "The Unforgettable Fire," "War," and "The Joshua Tree," with a smattering of the some newer sounds, and some newer sounds.

The younger critics cry about the lack of new sounding material that Bono promised (which Bono did), and the newer sounds imititating some of the new rock of today. Bands such as Kings of Leon, Coldplay, and others have been mentioned. Most of these younger folks feel that U2 have tried some of these experiments before, and that the music and lyrics are not that original, and are tired, old.

I agree with both sides! I would give it 4 out of 5 stars, however, but both all claims are legitimate. U2 has jumped off the fence of popularity, but instead of being on one side, they have landed on both. The radio friendly music IS more like the older U2 material in that it is stronger than recent attempts. The more experimental music is more of a combination of Zooropa and The Unforgettable Fire. Then there is a "newer" sound that U2 likes to try, and it is not bad, it's just different. And yes, some of it sounds like what you might here another band try. However, there is only one U2.

The one thing I really enjoy about U2 are the lyrics, and Bono has some real hits, but really whiffs some, too. However, as some of the younger critics may not realize, Bono always has some stinkers out there. Check out "Dirty Day," or maybe "Playboy Mansion."

From "Magnificent"

"I was born to sing for you
didn't have a choice
But to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry
It was a joyful noise ...
Justified until we die
You and I will magnify
Magnificent"

From "Moment of Surrender."

"My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control"

From "White as Snow"

"Once I knew there was a love divine
Then came a time I thought it knew me not
Who can forgive forgiveness where forgiveness is not
Only the lamb as white as snow"

No Line on the Horizon is driving, meditative, confusing, uplifting, with a bit of chaos thrown in. One reviewer commented about how this cd is a solid cd, full of U2 in every way, just lacking that one song to make it great. I am not sure I totally agree, but it's pretty darn close.

2008-07-03T22:26:00.019-05:00

BROKEN:

- physically and forcibly separated into pieces or cracked or split; "a broken mirror"; "a broken tooth"; "a broken leg"; "his neck is broken"
- not continuous in space, time, or sequence or varying abruptly; "broken lines of defense"; "a broken cable transmission"; "broken sleep"; "tear off the stub above the broken line"; "a broken note"; "broken sobs"
- subdued or brought low in condition or status; "brought low"; "a broken man"; "his broken spirit" (especially of promises or contracts) having been violated or disregarded; "broken (or unkept) promises"; "broken contracts" tamed or trained to obey; "a horse broken to the saddle"; "this old nag is well broken in"
- topographically very uneven; "broken terrain"; "rugged ground"
- imperfectly spoken or written; "broken English"
- thrown into a state of disarray or confusion; "troops fleeing in broken ranks"; "a confused mass of papers on the desk"; "the small disordered room"; "with everything so upset"
- weakened and infirm; "broken health resulting from alcoholism"
- destroyed financially; "the broken fortunes of the family"
- out of working order (`busted' is an informal substitute for `broken'); "a broken washing machine"; "the coke machine is broken"; "the coke machine is busted"
- discontinuous; "broken clouds"; "broken sunshine"

2008-06-15T09:41:00.004-05:00

Ok, so one night I am sitting around with some friends at Applebee's, and my friend Jason mentions something about a "Crackberry." Huh? I found out he meant Blackberry, but I wasn't sure if it was a derogatory remark or not. Either way, I knew I could never afford one of those type of phones.

Well, a year or so later, I know own a Blackberry, and I understand what he means by "Crackberry." I find myself using it all time, wanting to explore its limits, buying more memory, and sometimes drooling while I use it. Sometimes I'll be watching TV, and I'll see that I'm holding the Crackberry in my hand, when I could have sworn it was still being charged. I find myself at work, at lunch with friends, at church, and all I can think about it that beautiful maroon Crackberry curve in my hands. It doesn't even have to be powered on.

AHHHHHHHH!!!! Where's my Crackberry???? Wait, there it is, looking so shiny, so luxurious, so....yummy...

Jason, my friend, you have spoken the truth. Once I started my habit, I haven't been able to stop. My poor family had to endure me holding my Crackberry like a binkie all weekend.

Feel free to email me at jambarrett@att.blackberry.net !!!!

For all the environmentalists I've loved before...

2008-05-15T23:35:00.004-05:00

Ok, it's been awhile since I wrote down anything. However, it will be short as it is late, and I'm tired. For all those I give a hard time about certain environment issues, I have found a really funny cartoon. You probably don't realize how much I really respect your views, even if we disagree on some things.

ANYWAY, I hope you get a chuckle out of this. I actually had a fellow employee suggest we could make toilet paper out of bamboo. Oooh, I can feel the splinters now.

On Hold

2008-01-04T17:31:00.001-06:00

5:30 pm
It's about 5:30, I am still at work, and I am on hold with Farmer's Insurance. Now, I know I work at Progressive, but please tell me that we don't allow people to be on hold as long as these guys.

5:36
Seriously, it's been a long day, my cold is still here, and I am ready to go home. As soon as this person picks up the phone, answers my questions, and I contact my insured, I can go home. PLEASE pick up the phone.

5:40
I am listening to classical music, occasional cheesy ads that are "re-enactments" of an emergency situation. Then suddenly there's that pause...that long, painful pause (are they going to answer?)...then the classical music starts again. Oh, that dreaded pause. Arrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

5:42
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IN HEAVEN, PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE. I JUST WANT TO GO HOME...

5:45
I just took some valium to help get through the next few minutes. We'll see houw that goes.

5:48
Why doens'tt FFARMerrs answeerr thteee phonne????? ?

5:50
C-ya. I'm off like a prom dress...so to speak.

The most popular person in Kansas City...

2008-01-04T04:49:00.000-06:00

Back at work today, and apparently I am the most popular person in the world. It appears ALL my customers were acutely aware that Thursday was my first day back to work. I seemed to get a call from a different customer several times per hour PLUS a new voicemail while I was on the phone with that customer. YIKES! I was SO busy that I didn't even have time to call them all back. I hate it when that happens. Doesn't this picture look like Ron Hampton? If you know him, I suppose...

**************

Back at work, others seem to have the same nasty cold that I am recovering from. Some of them sound TERRIBLE. Unfortunate as it was to be sick and on vacation, at least I was not at work while I was miserable.

A change is good...

2008-01-03T02:44:00.000-06:00

God's Blessing On This House

May His love shine through it's windows,

May His peace walk through its doors

May His kindness be the welcome

To the lonely, sad and poor.

May His generosity grace its table

May His Mercy win o'er strife

May His joy ring through it's halls

May His Gift become your life

I was looking through one of my Mom's old cookbooks, and I found this little poem inside. It hit something in me that has been missing.

Sick again? It's Global Warming...

2008-01-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

I can only laugh at this one. I'm in Dallas to visit Dad, and I come down with this crappy cold the day before I leave. I get here, have all these plans, and basically spend most of the days, laying around sleeping or high on some kind of sinus meds. Actually, it's called "drowsy", but I have felt this way before.

Honestly, I keep forgetting the series of events of getting sick. It's as if getting sick is some new phenomenon. Let's review that steps, shall we?

1. I start getting really tired and feel like sleeping a lot (more than usual).

2. The drainage arrives, bringing about the sinus and other junk.

3. It starts with mostly a head cold, and for the first few days, I treat it with lots of pain relievers, Allegra D, keep the fluids up, and constantly suck on cough drops because my throat is getting a little tender.

Now here is where I lose it.

4. After about 3 days of being sick, I get REALLY cranky. Sleep is not good, the cold has gone to my chest, and the coughing is causing my throat to be sore

5. Exacerbating (perhaps my favorite word) the whole situation is the fact that I can't get the rest or sleep I need because I am working, therefore getting more tired, and more sick.

6. Next are symptoms that come on due not getting over the cough, or the drainage won't stop, or just guess what's next.

7. Finally, rest comes, and I finally get to where I feel better

Those are BASIC things that happen to me. What I forget each and everytime I get sick is about the days when I get cranky. I seem to forget that the cold will last for a week or two, and I start pouting, arguing, complaining like a little child. THAT's when I have to laugh at myself and realize that no matter how miserable I am, all I can do is rest and do my best to get better.

By the way, there is another little trick that a cold will play on me. If I start feeling better, but I don't give my cold just enough time to go away before I stop resting so much, the cold will come back and hang on for at least another week. Bleah...

*******************************

Speaking of Global Warming, I have a great little site for EVERYONE to visit. Just click here http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=7108310

Thank you for your Global Warming attention. Hee hee...

McCormick is the cheapest vodka available...

2007-09-28T22:40:00.000-05:00

My anxiety has wreaked havoc with my nerves, so I am a little frazzled right now. I'm alone, which is really sad. I have to work tomorrow (Saturday), which is sadder. I am having a hard time typing. That's really sad.

It's been a hard week. I hate my anxiety. It has ruled my life for awhile. This week it pretty much ran me into the ground, head first, mind you.

Since I am not really in a condition to type much, here is how I feel tonight

******************************************************

" I'm Still Alive Tonight" by Bob Bennett

I'm still alive tonight

I can feel my heart beating

Emotions on the surface of my skin

I can hear my breathing

Wind upon those bedsheet sails

Spirit broods over the deep

I see an image of my Father

And he bids me "Come and sleep"

No one is sleeping down the hallway

No one is here beside me now

And the loneliness, like a fever,

Is hot upon my brow

I know life is more than just survival

But that's all that I can see

I'm still alive tonight

And that's good enough for me

I'm still alive tonight...

************************

Good song, too much truth...life hurts, and is hard.

Bullet The Blue Sky...

2007-09-20T23:06:00.000-05:00

I've been hearing this U2 song, "Bullet the Blue Sky," on the commercials for the movie " The Valley of Elah," or something like that. I guess it just goes to prove how U2 songs really transcend time. Sure, some songs belong in their time frame, but most of their early songs are pure guitar, drums, bass, and rhythm guitar. Give'em a listen and see what you think.

*********

Ever been to Atchison, Kansas? I had to go there to look a vehicle today and write an estimate. It takes about an hour to get there, and it took about 30 minutes to complete the estimate. Then ANOTHER hour. Actually, it can be a really pretty drive in some places. However, the one site that I recommend you observe from the outside if the Federal Prison.

There's also a nice military base there, too. Ever heard of Fort Leavenworth? In the same town as the Penitentiary. Why am I telling you this? I just need to write, and this is a good start.

**********

I think the Wendy's commercials are mediocre in content, but the idea of putting those red wigs on the guys is ingenious. The latest one with the black dude wearing that Wendy's wig is so funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdF9liwZfuI&mode=related&search= is a good one.

**********

Well, it's about time to start working out again. My ribs feel better, even though my shoulder feels like someone has been yanking it out of socket daily. Hopefully I can lose those pounds that I have recently put back on. Hopefully my Mp3 player will be a big help. It actually has a feature that will set the pace of your songs to the pace of your strides. That might sound kind a funny.

************

It's been a tough day, depression wise. But I think if I can get through tomorrow, I will try to have a relaxing weekend to recoup for next week. "Everybody's Working for the Weekend" was a good song by Loverboy.

Too bad, so sad...

2007-09-16T19:41:00.001-05:00

Well, my Razorbacks got beat Saturday night. They fought really hard, overcame a large deficit, but couldn't pull it out in the end. Oh, well. It's football
***
Don't have much to write, but that is probably one of the better times. Usually when I getting frustrated with life, or depression is coming on, or I am just tired, I keep it bottled up. A lot of my blogs are results of lifting up the lid and letting that steam out, or perhaps it's being forced out by itself.
***
I am getting over a cold right now, and I am at that point where I really want to finally get out of the house, but I don't think I really feel like being around people yet. Better, but still weak. For me, what really stinks all the sinus medicine makes me sad, literally. That's like adding fuel to a fire. The recognition of why I am depressed is there, but it doesn't make it any easier.
***
Yes, the realization that...I forgot what I was going to say. Oh yeah...I know that a lot of my blogs have to do with myself, and what is going on in my life. I suppose that is no biggie, but this unfortunately becomes by personal journal instead a commentary.
***
Has anyone noticed that a lot of praise & worship music heard in church today sounds a lot like a watered down U2 sound? I'm not trying to dog the genre. I would much rather sing the music today than go through the hymns all the time. It's just an observation. Take the band Delirious?. It seemed at first they wanted to be the "Christian" version of U2. I was amazed at how much they sounded like U2. They were the "darlings" of the Praise & Worship movement.

After a couple of cds, they decided to put out a "creative" cd, one with original music. Not only was it only OK musically, but it was such a departure from what people expected. Never did they go that direction again. Delirious? can now be found back in the world of Praise & Worship.

That sure does sound cynical and harsh, and that is not my intention. I have just found some interesting similarities. I suppose the aspect of praise is the most important, and as long as that is being done the music can be anything.

***

Gonna get up early in the morning, so I gotta go to bed.

***

"If I ever act like I know it all...tell me I'm full of crap." - James McLain

2007-09-15T08:21:00.000-05:00

GO HOGS, GO!!! ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS!

WholeHogSports
Getting DOWN TO BUSINES
BY TOM MURPHY
Posted on Saturday, September 15, 2007
URL: http://www.wholehogsports.com/adg/201475/
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. — Now that the preliminaries are over, the serious business can begin for Arkansas and Alabama.
The 16 th-ranked Razorbacks enter Bryant-Denny Stadium for their SEC opener today to face an Alabama team and rabid 92, 000-plus crowd pumped up about first-year Coach Nick Saban.
Alabama (2-0, 1-0 SEC ) is a three-point favorite over Arkansas (1-0 ), which had an open date after beating Troy 46-26 in its season opener. Both teams have been eyeing this nationally televised game (5: 45 p. m. Central on ESPN ) since the start of camp.
“This is like our first game of the year, if you want to put it in layman’s terms,” Arkansas defensive coordinator Reggie Herring said. “This is the first true test for our defense.”
Alabama has run the ball effectively and stacked up the run on defense through two games, but it hasn’t faced a rushing attack as stout as the Razorbacks’, which centers on Heisman Trophy candidate Darren McFadden and Felix Jones.
“You always look at the next game as a new challenge, [but ] because [Arkansas is ] different in some of the things that they do and how they use some of their feature players, which are very talented guys, it is very challenging,” said Saban, who has a reputation as a defensive guru.
No doubt this game will begin to reveal the directions and the personalities of both teams.
“It’s early in the season and Coach Saban always emphasizes our identity,” Alabama defensive end Bobby Greenwood said. “I think this is a huge game to show everybody who we are.”
These SEC-West rivals were projected to finish behind LSU and Auburn in preseason polls, but the Arkansas-Alabama winner frequently wins or challenges for the SEC West crown.
“I tell you, it’s always been a big win for us,” Arkansas Coach Houston Nutt said. “Any time we’ve beaten Alabama, I think it helps us our season.”
The 2006 season is a perfect example. With McFadden at less than 100 percent on a surgically repaired foot, the Razorbacks struggled offensively for most of the game against the Crimson Tide. But Arkansas drove for a touchdown on its first possession of the second half, got another score on Antwain Robinson’s fumble-forcing sack of John Parker Wilson, and profited from Alabama’s place-kicking meltdown for a 24-23 victory in double overtime.
The victory spurred Arkansas’ 10-game winning streak and helped the Razorbacks make their third trip to the SEC Championship Game.
“It was huge,” Nutt said. “You win a game like that and it’s a big game, a big boost of confidence. It’s contagious and it goes all the way through your team.”
Arkansas center Jonathan Luigs said while he remembers what beating Alabama did for his team, he also knows the Tide wants to make amends for the loss.
“It gave us some confidence to get that SEC win under our belt,” he said. “They want revenge this year. They’ve been thinking about that loss for a while. We have to go in there with the mind-set that we have to win and launch our season this year.”
Alabama’s season spiraled downhill after last year’s loss in Fayetteville, with the Tide’s 3-6 record down the stretch prompting the firing of Coach Mike Shula.
“We need to come out there and leave no doubt this year, finish the game and not leave any room for something to go wrong,” said Wilson, who has yet to throw a touchdown pass this season after passing for 17 last year.
Alabama’s loss at Reynolds Razorback Stadium was made more excruciating because the Tide didn’t capitalize on three second-half interceptions — including one on the first play of overtime — and missed 3 of 4 field-goal attempts.
“That was a tough one, a real tough one. “ Alabama cornerback Simeon Castille said. “ You know, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. We definitely owe them one, and hopefully we’ll be able to get the job done.”
Heavy rains heading into the weekend will have softened up the turf at Bryant-Denny Stadium, which has expanded to a capacity of 92, 138 since the Razorbacks ’ last visit here. That will put a premium on ball security and a quality ground game.
Arkansas and Alabama seem to have the ground game covered. The Razorbacks’ 350 rushing yards against Troy is easily the best average in the SEC. Alabama’s 267 rushing yards per game ranks third in the conference, and Terry Grant’s 154 rushing yards per game is tops in the league.
“They’re very physical running the ball,” Herring said. “They take a lot of pride in it, and their line is exceptional. What it does is create problems for a defense because they’re balanced.”
Of course, Herring will have some tricks up his sleeve to combat the Tide’s balance and challenge its blocking schemes.
“They cause a lot of confusion as far as who to pick up,” Alabama guard Justin Britt said. “They’re a smart defense. They definitely know where to attack. They’re a great defensive front and a great defense.”
Arkansas will be without its top receiver — Marcus Monk, who did not travel to Tuscaloosa — and tight end Ben Cleveland, who is still recovering from nerve problems in his neck.
But the Razorbacks should have the services of defensive end Marcus Harrison, whose suspension after being charge with felony possession of a controlled substance has been lifted. Harrison and Antwain Robinson, who was elevated to first-team defensive end this week, should give the Hogs better run-stopping prowess.
One thing the Arkansas-Alabama series typically presents is long-lasting drama: J. J. Meadors’ fourth-down touchdown grab off the top of the grass in 1997, the batted-down Clint Stoerner pass in the end zone on the final play of Alabama’s 35-28 victory in 1999, Arkansas’ fourth-quarter drive in the rain in 2000 and the doubleovertime Razorbacks victories in 2003 and 2006.
“It’s as big a rivalry as LSU-Arkansas,” Luigs said. “You’ve had a lot of tight games, some doubleovertime contests.... It’s going to be a good game, and we really have to come with it.”
All content copyright 2007 Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, Inc. All rights reserved. Contact Us

Back by popular demand...sort of...

2007-09-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome, my friends, to a fragrance-free room of expression. No dyes here to cause allergic reactions. Nope, this room is hypo allergenic unless some brutal honestly causes hives and junk like that.
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*Note to Fructose: There is nothing simple about sugar*

Did you get the book?

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Quote of the day:

"If you think you know it all, well...you're full of crap." - James McLain

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A few folks have commented, recently and over the last year or so at the infrequency of my entries. My last entry covers some of that, while I haven't figured out the rest.

I have a nasty cold or something, so I currently feel really crappy. I have been in bed for the majority of the day, but I did manage to get out and go to my first psychologist appt in a long while. I really liked her. She is not going to take it easy on me, so she might actually work for her money. Nothing against my last counselor, but he just listened to and looked like he could use a few more cups of coffee. Basically, this lady looked at me and said," Well, we've got a lot to work to do." I liked that. Then she asked me if I really wanted to change. Good, tough question.

Part of my depression is wanting the pain to go away, the despair to melt away like ice on the hood of running car. What I have noticed lately however, is that apathy has been right behind the depression. I am not sure if I actually care enough to do something about my depression when it eases. I feel so relieved that its passed, that I just want to do whatever is next.

So, I looked her in the eyes and said," I think so." That was impressive. Then I realized how much I have been working hard to change my life. The health club membership, buying my own food and cooking for myself, and trying to clean my car and apartment. " I will," was a better answer, and she seemed encouraged by that answer.
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My blog entries are too honest. No, that's not correct. They are too revealing. I share WAY too much info, but at times I feel the necessity to get out the darkness, too. It's like a blood letting, that old curious medical practice that was to let out the disease with the bad blood. Writing is MUCH more healthy, and I haven't lost a lot of blood yet. Still, I might want to a least censor a few things. Not change the quality of the content, just the content. It's just a thought.

I scared a few people after my last entry. One person called me because he was worried. Another emailed, and another text messaged me. It was a brutal day that had followed some brutal weeks. One of my friend's blogs really saddened me awhile back when he referred to me as, "that mutual friend from the past." I just wanted people to know that I don't intentionally ingore them, or run from them. I was SO ANGRY because my depression was so overwhelming that I felt like I was losing everything... Sometimes I think it will take it all.

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Now this made me happy. I was perusin' the cds at Best Buy when I ran into this lovely discovery. I was shocked. Anyone who grew up in the early 80's knows about Howard Jones. Not only was he one of the pioneers of New Wave, he was the one guy who could always me me smile. He was one of the few artists whose songs would reach #1 but not talk abut sex, drugs, or negativity.

With song's like, " Things Can Only Get Better," "I'd Like To Get to Know You Well," "Everlasting Love," and "Now One is to Blame," Jones quickly became a favorite of mine. His synthesizer music struck the part of me that wanted to dance, and his hair was SO cool, but it was his lyrics that hooked me.

For a boy who was beginning his struggle with depression, this music was like a breath of fresh air, a promise that things really COULD only get better.

I was intrigued and a bit apprehensive when I bought this cd. Was this once great 80's artist's cd going to be a retread of his old sound? Would I be thoroughly disappointed? Although I love my music, my friend Emily would not let me forget when it sounded '80's ish'.

As the music started, my heart melted into the music made for today with lyrics that are just as uplifting but peppered with life experience. "Celebrate Our Love" is not just talking about a love relationships. By no means does this album reinvent rave or dance music, but it's a solid musical effort, and I was moved by the lyrics. Some songs are more lyrically complex, "Respected," more thought-provoking than before , but that is a welcome change. The slower songs have that deep, undulating bass driving the song slowly to its final destination. Some songs, "The Presence of Other" and "4UCME," remind me of Peter Gabriel, with Jones' voice still strong. He now evens enunciates his words better. One song does have an 80s tinge to it, and another reminded me a little of Depeche Mode, "I've Said Too Much," but purely in sound, not meaning.

All in all, this is a can't miss cd for any Howard Jones fan. I recommend this cd for anyone who is looking for some good dance music and some good thought-provoking lyrics that can make you smile, and really likes to smile and be uplifted all at the same time. I definitely do not recommend this for any Goth listener or for someone looking for depressing music. But if you have a few extra dollars to spend, and you want a a cd that will uplift you and make you want to dance, just buy it.

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One more thought to share. If you get directed to my MYSPACE page for some reason, you will find that I have set the U2 song, "Windows in the Skies," as my song. Although my depression can be overwhelming, I do find hope, and this song is wonderful.

I wish you understood...

2007-09-02T22:11:00.000-05:00

I don't have much time to write this, so I probably ought to wait. But it's weighing heavy on my heart.

Over the last 20 years or so of my life, I have allowed a lot of friendships to slip away or dissolve. Some I have ignored, others rejected. I also have discovered some things about myself as I have grown and matured, fought and struggled through this disappointing life.

What I have discovered is this massive anxiety disorder living within my skin, which has fed, and in turn, been fed by my depression. I was diagnosed borderline manic depressive when I was 19 yrs old, but I thought I pulled out of that. What I didn't realize was all this other stuff that I kept hidden from a lot of people suddenly exploded when I entered the world of responsibility, deadlines, and bill collectors.

Basically, I think about all my friends all the time, from the past to the present. But maybe each and every one of you didn't realize that I have done the same to each of you over the years. I have stopped calling, writing, emailing, whatever. Some of you have taken it personally, some have written me off, some don't care, most have their own lives and don't really think about it that much probably.

My fear, my anxiety, my depression , ADD, my newly diagnosed OCD, have all played a part in the way I handle my interactions with people. Truth is, I have become an extremely lonely, depressed, anxiety-ridden man. I have fought so hard, but I am getting tired of fighting. Back to my point. I think of all of you out there so often, but I freeze when I try to write. Sometimes I get some damn frustrated (like now) that I just break through the fear and try to establish contact with old friends. But it opens so much fear and pain, frustration, depression, that it is easier to keep to myself.

Don't fool yourselves out there. I don't return phone calls or emails to people to my friends in KC, and I have pretty much quit trying to call people as most are married or already have their own groups. I don't just ignore you. My poor brother will call for weeks before I respond. If I could, I would call and write everyone all the time.

Right now I am lost. I feel I am at a turning point in my life, and I am trying to figure out what direction that will lead. I am not trying to use my depression as an excuse, but it has been so bad that I put myself in the hospital at one point.

All that I am asking for is forgiveness for not keeping in touch, for not calling back, for not being the friend that I was in college, or at church, or wherever you knew me. I have been blessed with so many friends. I don't expect any pity, and I don't want it. I just want everyone to know that I miss everyone so much that my heart breaks. Just realize that my heart breaks when I struggle just return phone calls or emails for the people in my immediate reality.

I am so close to erasing this blog, but I am so tired of wanting everyone to know how I feel. I am just to the point that I don't care what people know anymore. I have no wife or kids to embarrass, and there's no line of available women waiting to date this severely depressed man, so what does it matter? So whatever happens to me in future, please know how much I appreciate each and everyone of you.

This posting is also for those of you who struggle with similar issues but won't or can't talk about them because of the judgment they will receive from others.

Grace and peace to you,

Barrett

P.S. One of my greatest friends of all time has this quote on his blog; " Life consists of what a man is thinking of all day."- Emerson. Unfortunately for me, what goes through my brain lately is depression, and leads to a very miserable life.

To hell and back...and back...and now I'm back...

2007-09-02T01:09:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I open this myspace account mostly so that I can get my friends on myspace to notice that I have this blog that I like more and have already setup. Oops, I haven't even written anything since MAY!!!! (Yes, Tim J., I know it's late). Life has been a train wreck since my last blog, yet things haven't seemed so bad. I don't really time to explain how things can be totally different than they seem, but I am sure MOST of you can pinpoint a time in your life when that was more reality than perception.

Anyway, what I have found strange is that there are people on myspace that haven't seen or talked to me in YEARS, and this is where they may rediscover me. My past blogs haven't been pretty, but hopefully some are funny. I suppose I am even somewhat disillusioned (spelled right?) that people even read my blogs in the first place, which really doesn't matter. This is mostly for me, but there is that part of me that really likes the occasional "atta boy" from someone who agrees. Heck, you can disagree, and that might even make me happier.

Basically, it's late, I am extremely tired, and have been through a hellish depression for several months out of this year, which has seemed to be the case since I was 19 years old. My fear has kept me from putting the fingers to the keyboard (it's hard to explain), and the hurt little boy inside had had enough and hid for awhile. Hey, maybe I won't write again for another few months, but I have to write a few more lines.

Thanks to those who pray for me. I float on your faith when I have none. Thank you to those who call and ask how I am doing, or give me hug. I soak up every single second, and I crave to be hugged and loved like a baby cries when it needs something. Finally, to those who spend time with me and accept me as I am, you deserve more from me than I give. So I hope and pray that somehow I give something in return for your friendship

For those of you in my past, far and near, I include you as well. You know who you are.

Grace and peace to you all.

But seriously...

2007-05-18T23:39:00.000-05:00

I have written two different entries that have been erased. I really liked them both, but somehow I erased them. Now I see that Blogger saves our drafts automatically. Ah, but my luck.
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I don't really have much to say, but I hate it when I don't add something every now and then. This is for some writing, expression, and creativity. Blah...
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Is it just me, but is the Orbit gum lady looking hotter in each progressing commercial?
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For your info, just because there are commercials showing the Progressive Immediate Response Vehicle (IRV) at the accident doesn't mean that we can make it to the accident scene. First of all, we don't have enough IRVs for every claims rep,

and even if we did, it wouldn't be practical. Second, immediate response is a relative phrase. We take pride in getting in touch with our insureds w/in 2 hours, while most insurance companies take 24 to 48 business hours to contact the parties involved. Plus, we really do try to get out asap, but sometimes it's not practical.
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Now if this picture doesn't make you smile, then you have issues. May the Chuck be with you.

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"To All the Girls I've Love Before, Who have Wondered In and Out My Door...

Pretty roses, eh? I would love to send some to somebody. Boo hoo.

Time to go to bed...Ok, I'll go take THOSE meds...

Well, It's about time...

2007-05-05T11:26:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have had it with celebrities. Well, more with Hollywood, I suppose. It's hard for some people to realize that they are people just like you and me. Sure, they worked hard, but a majority of them relied on their looks along with marginal talent. Either way celebrities are not better than any other person on the street.

What I guess I am really venting about deals with how we "common" folk listen to Hollywood celebrities give advice and take it as some sort of Gospel, or some hidden truth that we couldn't think up ourselves. I am tired of hearing celebrities say they are being "humiliated" by the press, but are setting up interviews or staged events to bring "good" press.

Here is a perfect example. Global Warming (GM) is something I will not deny. The causes of GM are a cause of severe debate, however, and I don't want to go into that at this junction. However, Al Gore, the "Ghandi" of the GM debate (or maybe I should say McGovern), has a house that wastes more energy and sends out more greenhouse junk than the majority of houses in his home state of Tennessee. Oh, by the way, you can stop driving your SUVs , Mr. Gore. I am sure that Honda can add some bullet-proof glass and armor to their Prius for safety and enviromental purposes.

John Travolta, another well-known "green" activist, was just named the worst celebrity for GM due to owning 5 private jets. Some are rather large, and he is known for flying them across the country EMPTY except for himself. So, John, before you criticize me for driving my SUV, please get rid of a jet or two, please.

Paris Hilton (God help us all) was just sentenced to jail for 45 days for violation of parole. Well, it's about time!! Maybe nobody will die for the next 45 days while she rests her pampered fanny in the lockup. Here's the crazy part.. Her lawyer said that Hilton was picked on because she is a celebrity. I don't see her complaining when her celebrity status keeps her in the news after 3 sex tapes and numerous gaffes. Her mother called the prosecutor "pathetic." Give me a break. Paris is about to find out what happens to you or me when we break probation on a DUI charge.

Paris Hilton joined in the P. Diddy campaign of "Vote or Die" during the last Presidential elections. First of all, that stupid slogan basically is telling people to vote for John Kerry or die. Anyway, Hilton wore all the logo t-shirts, urged people to "vote or die!" However, when asked, Paris had never registered to vote, and of course, didn't vote. I heard one person asked when she was going to follow up with the "die" part of "Vote or Die," since she didn't vote.

Sure, I am ranting. But it's quite frustrating to see people believe something just because a celebrity says it, to believe in something that the person may have more knowledge about than the celebrity. Do you realized that some of these people never finished college, are sometimes just talking off the top of their head, or only say what they've been told? That's right, there regular people like you or me. I would trust my friend Gil and his opinion as much as any celebrity. We don't know these people, and God truly knows what we see doesn't represent their real lives.

Ok, I would be hypocritical to say I don't pay attention to what is going on with celebs. Heck, I'm the one writing the blog entry! Sure, it's fun sometimes, and I imagine most Americans do some celeb watching.

I wish we could get excited about our family, our friends, what the neighbors are doing. Why do we care what color Paris is wearing on her fingernails when we could be going to see our friend's kid's soccer games, finding out about a new charity, or actually asking somebody how they are doing, and really mean it? I guess what we need to do is pray for the celebrities, and let God, our families and friends be our real source of knowledge and Truth.

Ok, Ok. I'll go take my meds...

Meandering Through The Mental Fog...

2007-04-12T06:47:00.000-05:00

Here are some random thoughts that are racing through my ADD mind. I figured I better put them down before I forget them.

1. Speaking of fog, here's a great picture for illustrating a specific idea.

Depression can be like this fog. It's not too hard to see what's immediately in front of you, but it's extremely hard to see what's beyond. Sometimes nothing is clear, and it's hard to remember the past or see what's ahead. Think about it.

2. I have started cataloging my music collection online via a cool site I randomly found. It's very easy to see what music I have, whether I have it in cd, cassette, or vinyl. You can search my list, see what I currently have, or my wish list, or even what I used to have! Plus, I have rated them, and hopefully soon I will start putting reviews. I am still adding more entries have a A LOT of cds. Please feel free to search the site. If any friends have any questions or even are interested in borrowing something, just call or email.

http://rateyourmusic.com/images/upload

3. For those of you who have seen CSI: Miami, we all know this is cotton candy turned into a TV show. In other words, a lot of fluff. Who makes the show what it is today? That's right, Horation Caine, or "H" as Eric calls him. This next link will take you to Jim Carrey's impersonation of "H." Be ready to laugh

http://www.redbalcony.com/?vid=20056

4. Finally, its about time the University of Arkansas found a basketball coach. Let's all join together for a rousing rendition of "Whoo, Pig Sooie!" Gil, please don't join in. I am not a fan of your version.

http://www.wholehogsports.com/adg/187109/

Women Drivers, No Survivors?

2007-03-20T17:16:00.000-05:00

I first heard, "Women drivers, no survivors," for the first time in February. I am not writing to debate the truths or non-truths of the statement. All I know is that this picture doesn't help the female drivers' cause.

So, what is wrong with this picture? If you can't see it, please call me, and I will gladly point it out to you.

Up late, again...

2007-02-20T23:55:00.000-06:00

I guess I haven't been fulfilling my promise to tell my trip story. By this time, the trip is fading away into happy memories, and you probably don't care that much. So I will make this short story even shorter!

When Brian, Gil and I arrived in Springfield, we went to Ron's house. There I discovered I had left my luggage in Kansas City. In that luggage were medicines I sorely needed and couldn't go a week without taking. In the short run, I had the meds x-ferred to Springfield, where I had to pay for them without insurance. Therefore I paid a pretty penny.

After I made this discovery, we left for Fayetteville, Arkansas, to go to Arkansas vs. LSU. While I had a good time, I had a crazy migraine that made me sick to my stomach. Arkansas won the game, and it was fun, but I felt terrible. We made it back to Springfield, MO, and Ron's wife, Melissa made some FANTASTIC food for us. Plus, we got to spend some time with Chase, their little big'un.

See after some time, I have found some positives! Anyway, the next morning Gil and Brian headed back to Kansas City. I was about to leave when I realized that I left my cell phone in Brian's car. Bleah. Now I'm going to Dallas without my Dad's phone number, and I don't have his address. No problem.

The drive was a little frustrating. I still had that crazy migraine, and my thinking became clouded. At two stops I goofed. After I would get gas (take that as you may), I would get back onto the interstate and realize I was going the wrong way.
That was SO frustrating.

When I finally got close to Dad's, I took an exit to look at my map. I pulled over on the side of the road to let a car pass me on the service road, and I started sliding. No, not ice - mud. My car was stuck. There I was without my phone, no idea where I was, and a stuck Suzuki. Yes, that is a personal problem.

Finally, after several nice people stopped to help me, my stepbrothers came and got me and I followed them home. I walked in the house, trailing mud, and automatically getting the attention of my stepmother Vivian. I thought she was gonna kill me, but I was late for my Dad's birthday party, and there were a lot of guests. My butt was saved.

There it is, my day from heck. It really was worse than it sounded, but the trip was so rewarding after that first day. I won't bore you with that, but I did find out how much I needed people. What in world did I do before the cell phone?

Sheena - need I say more?

2007-02-08T17:31:00.000-06:00

Kim has a great dog that looks rather bizzare. I don't think Kim would take offense to this, as Sheena does look different. I never can remember the breed, but Sheena is either a Chinese or Japanese-type dog. Either way, she has a great attitude, and it's fun to get her excited and make her run all over the place. The first picture shows her posing for the camera. She isn't scared by the camera.

The second picture is of Sheena and Kim's other pet, John. Both are well trained, and do as they are told...except when it comes to John Wayne movies. But that's another subject for another time.

Enjoy!

The Turtle Comes Forth...

2007-02-06T18:19:00.001-06:00

Here I am. About Christmastime, something inside insisted that I withdraw into my shell, escape from reality. I listened to that feeling, and inside I went. Well, it was more like I dove deep into a black nothingness that kept me at a safe distance from the world. Loneliness, self-medication, and poor habits became my reality, my escape. This venture into depression seemed a bit more serious than usual, but I was beginning to see some light. I began to recongized the depression, began to fight it in ways that I've learned over years and years of therapy and self-discovery.

However, this depression had more teeth than I realized. Even fighting it through regular means left me tired, and teetering on an edge of anxiety hell. This is about the time of my trip to see my dad, a vacation I needed and wanted badly. Little did I know that this trip would push me into extreme anxiety, and close to a breakdown.

Brian, Gil and I were going together on the initial phase of "vacation." The plan was to go to Springfield, Arkansas on Saturday, pick up Ron, who lives there. Brian would drive his own vehicle, I would drive my vehicle, and Gil would ride with one of us. From there we would go to Fayetteville, Arkansas, and go to the Arkansas vs. LSU game. After the game, we would go back to Springfield and spend Saturday evening with Ron and his family.

The following Sunday morning, Brian and Gil would go back to Kansas City, and I would go south to Argyle, Texas, which is north of Dallas. My dad's birthday party was Sunday night, and my Step-Mom, Vivian, had arranged the party that night so I could see my relatives since most lived in that area.

THIS is where I will stop the story. I experienced a trip that felt like fate was determined to stop me, and also where I experienced some healing. Most of my following entries will tell this story, as detailed as it may be. For those who don't care, I don't care. Read or not, but as Mark Williams would say, "That's a blog entry!" Mark, you are a classic.

A few quips and ramblings from an ADD wanderer...

2006-12-09T22:03:00.000-06:00

This is just more proof that Canadians are crazy. Hey, I love our neighbors to the North, but look at SCTV. There's something in the water up there.

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Hey, just saw on Friday night. The lastest installment in the James Bond, 007 series, is a fantastive movie. It is much more entertaining than most of the Bond movies. It's a little long at over 2 hours, but it's clever, more original than most Bond movies, and Daniel Craig is more the roguish Bond than just a pretty face. I will say that I heard a lot of women sigh when Craig would take off his shirt.

I give it 3 out of 4 sandals (dreaming of warm weather)

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I have really enjoyed emailing everyone and putting up blog entries. Right now I would like to thank those of you who have been praying for me. I truly see the difference it makes in my life. God hears and honors your faithfulness. While that may sound a bit cliche', I believe each of you have reached God. I will continue pray for those that God puts on my heart, and for those who don't know I am praying for them.

We have been studying in the Gospel of John on Tuesdays at The Bridge. FYI, I will be glad to share about that with anyone. Just send me an email at. Thanks to John, Jason, Kindra, Tim, and anyone else who has either written the questions or offered question. I can sense my heart hunger to find out more. and that's really new, exciting and scary for me. I will also be glad to share why that is scary, if you like. It's too long to go into here

I enjoy getting to know the people in The Bridge. What a class act of people. Thanks to Tim James for helping me put into words what I've been trying to figure out for a long time. He shared some of his experiences, and sat and listened while I figured out some reasons for my own. That the sign of a good friend

If I had time, I would let everyone know what they mean to me. Perhaps in time, if you don't already know, I will share that with you. I wish I had more pics of Bridge people. Check out my favorite blogs, and you can meet some super people there

Oh, well, I guess I needed to get that out tonight. God has blessed me in the good and bad, although it definitely doesn't alway seem that way. Right now I definitely seeing the blessings working in my life

Grace and peace to you all

Measuring Courage...

2006-12-07T20:29:00.000-06:00

This article really made me think about my life. I thought about how fortunate I am, but mostly how I can still make a difference. When you read this article, think of the hope that is found here, the willingness to sacrifice. I gotta believe that while God loves everyone equally, these few have a special place in God's heart.

Grace and peace,
Barrett

Updated: Dec. 7, 2006, 11:03 AM ET
Courage award: One will win, all are winnersBy Gene Wojciechowski
ESPN.com
Archive

The most gut-wrenching, impossible-to-fill-out awards ballot in sports doesn't have anything to do with this year's Baseball Hall of Fame vote.

Seriously -- Mark McGwire or no Mark McGwire? What's so hard about that? I can chug a frosty in less time than it would take to ignore the name of Mr. I'm-Not-Here-To-Talk-About-The-Past.

OK, then, how about the Heisman Trophy ballot? That's always a toughie because -- aw, what's the use? Everybody knows Ohio State's Troy Smith is going to win the thing. Smith could have picked out his acceptance suit and tie a month ago.

NFL MVP? I've got two letters for you: L and T.

PGA Tour Player of the Year? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tiger.

Division I-A Coach of the Year? It has to be Wake Forest's Jim Grobe, Rutgers' Greg Schiano or Oklahoma's Bob Stoops, right?

No, without a doubt, the hardest ballot I've ever had to complete was the one I sent in a few days ago: The FedEx Orange Bowl/Football Writers Association of America Courage Award.

Courage is a word that has lost some of its muscle tone when it comes to sports. Courage is often mistaken for a holed bunker shot in an FBR Open playoff, or a one-handed catch moments before safety John Lynch arrives, or a decision to go for two points in the first overtime.

Those are admirable moments, but to describe them as courageous is to cheapen the word. Real courage has more to do with the soul than the stats. It is about the simple, honorable act of trying to overcome an adversity that would otherwise render most of us into puddles of tears. It is about something as elemental as the human spirit.

Oklahoma State cornerback Martel Van Zant was born without ear drums, the result of his mother's contracting chicken pox during the pregnancy. Van Zant can't hear, but he can hit. He had 60 tackles this season, two interceptions, five pass deflections, one forced fumble ... and about a zillion admirers.

Then there's Indiana coach Terry Hoeppner. All he did was undergo brain surgery in December 2005 and again this past September. First they removed a tumor, and later, scar tissue. But nobody can remove his work ethic. After the mid-September procedure, Hoeppner returned to the sidelines in about two weeks -- two weeks earlier than expected. And maybe it was just a coincidence, but when the IU coach made an on-stage appearance with the Beach Boys after the Oct. 28 Homecoming win against Michigan State, he sang, ta-da, "Be True To Your School." Was there ever any doubt?

Remember your second year of college? Classes ... keggers ... and obtaining legal custody of your 11-year-old brother because your mother suffers from a cocaine addiction and your father has a gambling problem? Welcome to Ray Ray McElrathbey's life. McElrathbey, a Clemson redshirt freshman defensive back, is 19 going on Man of the Family. But with the establishment of an NCAA-approved trust fund to help with expenses, Ray Ray cares for Fahmarr, and does so without complaint.

Oklahoma defensive tackle Carl Pendleton knows the feeling. While his parents deal with the collateral damage of a difficult divorce, Pendleton is the legal guardian of his 10-year-old brother, Kierstan. The experience has so affected him that Pendleton will forego his senior year of eligibility to concentrate on raising his brother. Raising his own grades will be more of a problem -- Carl already has a 3.86 GPA in sociology, minors in religious studies and recently earned an $18,000 postgraduate scholarship. And, oh, yeah: He teaches Sunday school. Slacker.

Meanwhile, California offensive lineman Mike Tepper returned to the field this season after missing 2005 because -- are you sitting down for this one? -- he was run over by a car not once but twice while protecting a female friend from a group of convicted felons. So severe were the injuries that doctors initially considered amputating the foot of his broken right leg. When Cal faces Texas A&M in the Holiday Bowl, Tepper will play with nine screws and a metal plate in the leg. "I wasn't looking to do something spectacular," he told the San Francisco Chronicle of the incident, "so I don't accept the hero tag at all." Sorry, but you've got it.

Cancer did more than touch the lives of three other Courage Award nominees; it humbled them, strengthened them and, in a way, redefined them.

Navy's Eddie Martin was diagnosed with lymphoma shortly before the start of the season. He couldn't play because of the chemo treatments, but he did lead the team out onto the field before every home game. He was the one carrying the American flag. His teammates were the ones wearing his No. 32 jersey number on their helmets.

Southern Illinois finished 9-4 and reached the quarterfinals of the Division I-AA playoffs. Afterward, SIU coach Jerry Kill told reporters they'd learn from the loss and do better in 2007. Memo to Jerry: You can't do better than surviving a cancerous kidney tumor and fatigue-related seizures.

Judy Doba died last April after more than a two-year battle with cancer. Her husband, Washington State coach Bill Doba, was left to fill the gaping hole in his heart. They had been college sweethearts, married for 43 wonderful years. Doba called her his "rock." So when you see Washington State's 6-6 record and its wins against Oregon State, UCLA and Oregon, among others, remember it was done by a grieving coach who came home to an empty house.

Grief isn't the sole property of Doba. Oregon State head student manager Carlos Garcia wears a tattoo on his back bearing the birth dates of his mother and father -- and sadly, the dates of their deaths. Neither of them was alive by the time he graduated from high school. But Garcia honors them by working his way through college.

Dan Howell, Washington's junior outside linebacker, does the same thing for his father, Keith, who died in September from heart-surgery complications. Dan considered his dad his role model. Now his U-Dub teammates feel the same way about Dan.

So, go ahead, try filling out one of these FedEx-FWAA ballots. Try measuring and comparing a man's courage. You can't. Nor should you try.

Instead, you write three names at the top and hope the other seven understand that the award is really for all of them. And always will be.

Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.

I'm talkin' Providence, and not the college...

2006-12-03T21:56:00.000-06:00

Well, I don't really have a lot to say, so this may be a long entry. Last week I lost my wallet, and I was very angry about this. About 2 days later I had made peace with myself about it, praised God for His (God is not male, but that's for another entry) infinite wisdom and for losing the wallet, as in some little tiny way this was a part of the PLAN. That night at the Bridge (will be gald to share with you about the Bridge), Thea said she has prayed for me and my trip to see my dad. As I shared that I lost my wallet with Thea, I wondered aloud if this was an answer to prayer.

That night, I had decided to clean up more of my room. I had already gone over my room several times looking for my wallet, so my room was remarkably cleaner than it had been in some time. There, under my bed, in a spot I looked, was my wallet. I believe that things can just happen in life because of life itself. I believe in some coincidences. But I also believe in providence, and I'm not talking about the university. Looking back and seeing how God has worked in your life while seeing a little more of the big picture.

Friday night I had to call someone to get me into my car in which the keys were locked inside...while it was running, no less. I needed the cash in the wallet I found to pay to get my door opened. Plus, I need some more of that money to get gas for my car, too.

The truth also lets me admit that I was really tired that day I needed my wallet to drive to Dallas and see my dad. I would up sleeping most of the day and the next. It was a good time to restore some energy and tend to some much needed work on the apartment.

Whatever happened there, I'm just gonna praise God. What else can I do?

********************

By the way, thanks to Kim Lovitt for teaching me how to Farkle. I will never be the same again. Tim James said he will take me to Vegas with him, but I don't know if that means he'll pay for my trip. I did win on my first attempt, even though John Lovitt, Mr. Sing Unto the Lord, is a mean thrower of the dice.

********************

Arkansas lost to Florida in the SEC Championship Game, which was hard to swallow. However, they had a fantastic year, and it will finish great if they can win their bowl game. For those who care, Arkansas plays Wisconsin in the Capitol One Bowl in Orlando, Florida, on Jan. 1, 2007, and 1 p.m.

********************

FYI: The Dallas Cowboys beat the NY Giants today by a field goal on the last play of the game! How 'bout them Cowboys!

THEY'RE TAKING THE HOBBITS TO ISENGARD!!!!!

2006-11-28T00:49:00.000-06:00

CLICK ON THIS NOW!!!!!! LORD OF THE RINGS

Give this a serious listen...

2006-11-27T23:53:00.000-06:00

I never thought I would day this, but this artist has released a song that really is moving. I don't know if she wrote this, but whoever wrote this has some regrets in their life. Again, this artist has such a talented voice, and her singing is breathtaking. Click here to see the video and song:

BTW: She still manages to wear very little in her video while singing such a beautiful song.

TOP 10 LISTS...

2006-11-26T21:58:00.000-06:00

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO SLEEP

10. IT'S 3:30 AM
9. HEY, I CAN ONLY WATCH SO MUCH "HISTORY CHANNEL - ALIENS: MYTH OR AMONG US?"
8. MY ROOMMATE KEEPS ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS WITH, "ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?"
7. MY JOKES AREN'T GETTING ANY FUNNIER
6. WHEN I FALL ASLEEP ON THE TOILET
5. TIM JAMES MENTIONS THAT HE READ MY POST THAT WAS CREATED AT 5 AM IN THE MORNING
4. MY DOG KEEPS LICKING MY FACE, THEN I REALIZE, " I DON'T HAVE A DOG...HMMM"
3. HEY, THAT WORK WILL BE EASIER IN THE MORNING
2. WHEN I'M LOOKING FOR MY PHONE AND I REALIZE THAT I'M TALKING ON IT.
1. CAUSE IF I DON'T MY MEDS WILL MAKE ME FALL ASLEEP AT WORK AND SLOBBER ON MY DESK

TOP 10 U2 SONGS (TODAY!)

10. NEW YEAR'S DAY
9. GLORIA
8. MYSTERIOUS WAYS
7. THE FLY
6. ALL I WANT IS YOU
5. WHERE THE STREETS HAVE NO NAME
4. PRIDE (IN THE NAME OF LOVE)
3. I WILL FOLLOW
2. STAY
1. I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

Ok, I know, it's late...

2006-11-25T02:58:00.000-06:00

First of all, I am always amazed that Tim James always knows what time I enter my blogs. Actually, he may be the only one who says something.

This past week I have made contact with a friend that I haven't seen in years, spoke to my little brother, Eric, whom I haven't talked to in years, and indirectly received an email from an old flame. No, not a coincidence, just life. Maybe it's a new area where God is working on me, but it's been interesting anywho.

My friends BKC (before Kansas City in the pic above) knew me differently from my friends DKC (during Kansas City). It's been hard to reconciliate the person I was, and the one I am, and the way that I am percieved by both groups.

Most of my friends BKC knew me before I broke. I can't go into detail about my "breaking,", but I'll share with you anytime. Actually, was breaking, but they saw a person who attempted to lead, one who enjoyed life, mostly, and a person who was outgoing, friendly and often immature.

My DKC friends have seen be broken, see me as a man who is attempting to come back. Occasionally they will the leader in me, or the fire that was in me. But now I have fear as a new enemy, and I fight it every single day in the form of depression, severe depression.

However, my DKC friends have seen something that my BKC friends haven't seen. Humility has become an aquaintance, and maturity has been a new friend. Although I can be aloof at times, and often unreliable, I am still that same nice, honest guy. I don't let people walk over me like I used to, and I give my Progressive managers a hearty thank you for their support and wisdom in that area of growth.

Most importantly, I have begun a new line of communication with God again. This time I'm taking it slow, and learning about God, talking about being real, being myself, showing how God has saved me through my great friends from BKC to DKC. My relationship with my Father and brothers has grown tremendously, and I am trying to deepen friendships that I have made recently.

I don't really know where to go from here. Truthfully, one thing I hope that comes from my entry is that one person will read one of my entries, and know that they aren't alone. There are many people, ordinary people, who hurt or anxious about bills, relationships, or life in particular. As Christians, we should share that we, too, are broken. We, too, need help.

Well, Tim, it's late. I'm sure that you will tell me about it Tuesday night!

Barrett

BTW: If you want to find out the real power of groceries visit Tim's site

2006-11-21T01:15:00.000-06:00

Hmmm...I think this is my blog. Haven't been here in a while! Wow, what an eventful month and 2/3 since my last blog. If I could narrow it down to a single word, it would be...well, I can't narrow it down, so I won't! There was great wisdom to share on the "holiday" of Halloween, then I had a lot to say about how the Arkansas Razorbacks were rockin' this season, and there were some choice words to say about relationships, as always.

It's late, or early, and there are only a few things that need to be said. First of all, Kim Lovitt was right when she told "us" in her blog to call people back. Hey, calling right back is not the important thing. Calling back in a reasonable amount of time shows people that I care, that it's important that they called.

Also, don't let your lifelong friends melt away, even if you or they move far away. No, you don't have to spend every moment with them on the phone, or writing emails constantly. But don't cut those ties that got you through life in those early years.

I have found that not everybody is like me, often scared of life and hiding in their basement apartment. I get out, I go to parties, and I have made that effort to become a functional member of society. But I will pull back before you get a chance to hurt me, OR I will let you go if I can foresee pain.

Oh, life has gotten better. But it's hard to open up those bridges from the past, even if they aren't burnt. They need a lot of maintenence, and some may never be able to carry the same amount of weight again. Maybe I can just pay a small toll on some others...

Can't see Forest for the trees...

2006-10-02T18:43:00.000-05:00

When I was a teenager, being cool was important. Cool encompassed everything, be it your clothes, your music, your hair, your glasses, if you had zits, sometimes if you had less zits than the next person, where your parents worked, were you in band or did you play sports...the list goes on. Perhaps my best quality was that I was nice. Nice was ok, but it didn't get the girls. I've heard, "I just want to be friends," so many times I thought all girls said that to all guys.

What really made one cool was the people in one's group. I had this habit, though, of making friends with everybody, especially the people in the "middle" of cooldom, and particularly the geeks, nerds, whatever label can be applied. Oh, I had a few friends in the "upper echelon" of cool, but I didn't seem to pass with all the cool crowd. One of the main reasons for this was that my parents didn't make much money, so I didn't wear the coolest clothes, but that didn't stop all from liking me. Actually, the friends I made were the best kind. Those in the "lower stratosphere" were more like me ( I found out later I was more like them!), and I really enjoyed the depth of friendship and love I found.

However, there was this one kid, Jeff Bateman. I could never be like Jeff. He was 2 years older, extremely athletic, even moreso than I was, and he could get any girl he wanted. Even more, he hung out with the cool crowd, especially at church camp. That was my haven, church camp. It may have lasted only a week, but it seemed like a month to me. I soaked up every minute. Anyway, Jeff was always the cool one.

Something happened right after Jeff got into college. I started getting to hang out with the younger kids that Jeff had befriended. Even some of the older ones. I was elected to the Dallas District NYI council 2 years in a row! Wow, I was on the same level as Jeff Bateman. He actually congratulated me on my accomplishment. But I found out that being Jeff wasn't where life ended. After NYC '87 in Washington, D.C., I actually fell deep into a depression that had slowly been swallowing me.

Next thing I know, life was starting over at college. Wow, back to nobody. But I had learned some valuable lessons. One, those "lower echelon" people became the best friends I could pray for, and I became humbled to be known as their friends. Jeff Batemen, well, there are 2 stories that are told about his end. He either died of a drug overdose, or he died of cancer after a struggle with addiction. Today I wish that I could have been better friends with Jeff, to let him know that it breaks my heart to see what happens. That who's "cool" doesn't matter. Relationships and friendships matter.

I experienced a Jeff-like moment this weekend when I saw someone. I immediately looked at him with both envy and disdain, knowing that he was "cool", yet knowing he's fake. Then the Spirit told me that that person was me, that person was Jeff, and that person needs God as much as I did to make it this far. It's hard to be "cool" and real at the same time. It's time I listened to my own words, and asking for grace to be more like Jesus. This person I disdained, he is probably more like me than I know. He may just need to see a reason drop the "cool", and be real. Maybe that is what God is teaching us all.

...And these aren't depressing

2006-09-16T17:18:00.000-05:00

I feel like I owe a smile after that last post. I hope these pictures make you giggle like a little boy opening his first package of baseball cards, or being tickled by his older sister, or...you get the point.

Oh, this is my plant. His name is Robert Plant. (groans, sighs...)

Depression is Depressing...

2006-09-14T17:19:00.000-05:00

Depression is depressing. I have severe clinical depression, and I have seen depression's affects on the world around me. It can be hard on the people who hear of my constant struggles. Can you imagine the hopeless feeling of knowing that somebody is hurting, yet there is no "cure" for the pain? I have seen some people begin to avoid me now when they see I am hurting. Actually, I have seen that for years. There is a Steven Curtis Chapman song that speaks to that issue. The name escapes me right now, but he shares that "while he doesn't know what you are going through, or can't even relate, I will pray for you." It really is a song of blessing.

In college, Chris C. was one of the most direct people I knew. I once asked him, "Why do people not like to be around me?" His response was classic Chris. "Because you are depressing." Awesome! I love honestly like that. Jesus brought me out of a horrible pit of depression in college, and through massive amounts of prayer, counseling and medication, I became the person that I liked, the loving person that I have trouble seeing when I am depressed. I used to writed poetry about my depression, about the time when I couldn't see color, only gray.

The depression I have can be suffocating. Honestly, it can feel like a heavy, wet wool blanket pulled over me in warm weather. It wraps around my heart, and I can't breathe. This is the worst time, when everything seems dark, hopleless, and I don't want to live. A small negative remark can bring me down crashing during the worst depressions, while a small smile can bring me up to a new high.

I suppose I ought not to be sharing all this with everyone. I never intended to get this deep on my blog. Perhaps the most therapeutic way to deal with it is to share it, to not keeping it hidden inside. Maybe that is why I am spilling my guts to everyone.

Perhaps I am tired of wearing out my friends by going to them when I suffer. Perhaps I am tired of the friends not calling me anymore because they can't deal with it anymore. Here's a suggestion; if you don't want to know how I'm doing, don't ask me.

Perhaps I just don't care what people think, anymore. Who do I have to impress? This whole idea of dating and finding the "right one" is just blowing up in my face. Heck, I'm 37, so I am either too old, too fat, too this or too that. That rhymed, cool.

Perhaps I am so depressed right now I have no other way to handle it than to write this down. I would settle for some peace. Didn't I tell you that depression is depressing?

Don't Stop Believin'

2006-09-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

This one's for Tim James, for his exquisite taste in rock-n-roll.

Because I Said I Would

2006-09-02T23:37:00.000-05:00

My friend Emily. Any takers?

Bits 'O Heaven

2006-08-21T16:29:00.000-05:00

What are the things that make you smile? What scents, sights, sounds make a distant memory become as if it was happening that very moment?

Here are a few things that make me smile. Maybe you can relate. Please feel free to reply, and I'll be glad to post them if it is ok. These are not in any particular order.

**********
1. When I catch myself telling a friend something that my Dad always told me.

2. That forgotten perfume of the girl that gave me my first kiss.

3. When a baby smiles at me.

4. Finding a few extra fries at the bottom of the fast food sack.

5. An unexpected hug from a friend.

6. When people think I'm in my twenties

7. Digging through my all the boxes under my bed and I find a poem that my Mother wrote.

8. Pictures of my brother when he was 4 yrs old and we made him put on a bikini.

9. Pictures of me and my mullet...seriously

10. When I see a 1987 Chevrolet Impala - my first car.

11. When I hear a Journey song, especially
"Open Arms."

12. Polo cologne - those good ol' high school days.

13. My first Bible.

14. When I think about the church service when I first became a Christian - I was seven...

15. Any memories of church camp. Especially the girls!

16. Finding a folded dollar bill in my pants pocket when I am doing the laundry.

17. Finding a wheat penny.

18a. Smelling Roses

18b. Seeing a woman's face when she receives roses.

19. Getting caught outside in a cloudburst during the summer.

20. Hearing my name spoken by a female with an English accent.

=================================================

If anyone has any more to add, I would love to read them and share them.

Here's to the smiles!

Zoom, Zoom, Zoom

2006-08-20T02:05:00.000-05:00

It's time to show the car of my dreams. This little beauty has been spotted in the parking lot of the buiding in which I work. Check out the features. In this first picture, the sharp body lines are evident even through the possibility of some slight paint fading.

This second picture shows a few more flaws in the vehicle, but what classic doesn't have some "character?" Unfortunately, it does appear that the hood scoop is missing. Surely that is due to some last minute engine work, and that scoop will go right back into it's rightful place

Honestly, I am not sure I could pay the owner to part with this fine piece of craftmanship. This is "American Made" at its finest, when "Made in The USA" meant something. This car shows what put the muscle into the Muscle Car. Ahh, to go back to high school in this ride...

Barrett "I used to have a mullet" McLain

2006-08-18T19:21:00.000-05:00

TONIGHT, I WILL PLAYING THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME, ALONG WITH 7 OTHER GAMERS. IF YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HALO, THEN YOU HAVE MISSED OUT ON SOME OF THE MOST AWESOME GRAPHICS KNOWN TO ALL GAMERS.

THOUGH SOME MAY DISAGREE WITH MY ASSESSMENT, HALO STILL DEMANDS RESPECT FROM ALL WHO HAVE PLAYED.

Honestly, though, it's just a video game.

"Kibbles and Bits, Kibbles and Bits..."

2006-08-12T01:23:00.000-05:00

"If only the mailman thought I was a mailbox..."

Sing with me! "God made me special, I'm the only one of my kind. He gave me a body, and He gave me a mind...(follow the bouncing dots)

2006-08-08T23:44:00.000-05:00

For the uninformed, "The Unforgettable Fire" is considered a bridge from the early "punk" U2 to the more refined and polished sound of "The Joshua Tree." It was an experimental sound, particularly in the guitar work.

While this album (yes, album) did birth perhaps one of the greatest anthems of all time, "Pride (In The Name of Love)," it was also known as much for its quirky rythms, ethereal sounds, and a barrage of confusing lyrics. Songs like "Bad," or "MLK," could bring the chills, while songs like "Wire," or "4th of July," left many scratching their heads.

Following this muddled, curiously erratic album was perhaps U2's greatest recording, if not their greatest commercial success, "The Joshua Tree."

From all appearances, this is where I find my life. Not quite a masterpiece, not all that pretty. A contradiction? Not at all! I look at all the aspects of my life, whether it be my temper, my financial situation, my health, my spiritual life, and so and so forth. Which one represents a #1 hit song on the Billboard 100, or which one clangs like a gong and would land my cd into the $1 bargain bin? Ah, there's the rug...er, I mean rub!

Am I a masterpiece? My friends would say, "God doesn't make mistakes!", or "You are made in God's image!" I'll give 'em that. But overall, I like the comparison of my life to "The Unforgettable Fire." Besides the cool title, this album held the promise of what is, and what will be. Even experimental songs, such as "Indian Summer Sky," or "Promenade" contains the classic U2 sound, promising the hope of even better things. Plus, these songs give this album a personality different from any other U2 album.

Maybe one day I will hit "The Joshua Tree" status in my life. Truthfully, that album has several flaws as well, and many find "The Unforgettable Fire" more original. It's quite amazing after all this typing I can begin to see the the quirky, unique traits that make me who I am. I guess I'm not that bad after all, eh?

Song of the Day: "Bad" - U2
Quote of the Day: " He who wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skills. Our antangonist is our helper. " Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

Barrett "I quote dead people" McLain

Welcome to our world...

2006-08-04T20:09:00.000-05:00

Let's welcome a new addition to our world! Natalie Mary Mangum was born on Monday night around 7:30 p.m. and she weighed 8lbs and 2oz. Her proud Papa is a colleague of mine and a super guy. Congrats, John, and thanks for bringing more hope into the world. Actually I guess I need to thank your lovely wife for bringing Natalie into the world!

Grace and peace to all...

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world...

2006-08-03T23:09:00.000-05:00

This is how I feel TONIGHT. I just got off the phone with some angry customers, and before I say anymore that could get me fired, I'll...quit saying it, and write. I can tell myself all day long that " I can't let it affect me," or to "not be so sensitive." I admit, I am often caught off gaurd when people start yelling at me over the phone, especially when it is the first contact. The background voices yelling obscenities can be distracting as well, but those are easier to ignore than the person on the line.

Odd, but it almost feels like that person is in the cube next to me, or at least in the same vicinity. I would give credit to the phone service, but it's more psychological than that. In this particular case, I did very well, and even requested (politely, of course) that the background 'noise' cease so that I could continue our conversation.

I understand that people want to defend their family, or defend their own choices, especially after the trauma, or perceived trauma, of an accident. Eventually, many people will even come to understand that my point of view holds merit. But that doesn't stop me from shaking from the fear/anxiety/anger that arises from a constant barrage of words meant to either demean, control or shame me. What is truly surprising is that I am the one person who is fighting on their behalf, that one person who is trying to protect them in their time of need.

Am I too sensitive? Most certainly, for I have always been one that strives to make people happy. Unfortunately, what I find in these people I see in my own character. To avoid facing the truth, to avoid responsiblity, to hide from the reality that is facing me, I have attacked even my friends as well as enemies. It is those friends who risk the attacks, the anger, the words...it is these friends who make a difference in my life.

Oh, what the heck. I suppose I'll keep my job a little longer...

Grace and peace

"The sky falls, it feels like a beautiful day..." - Beautiful Day, U2

2006-08-03T00:30:00.000-05:00

I have so much in my mind that I want to write down, but nothing is making sense. My first attempt was to be about women. If I write about God's greatest creation, I really need to be "on my game", and tonight I wasn't feeling it.

Today has been a stressful, draining day, and I suppose I am just grateful to get home. Just to make it to my couch. Just to make it to the computer to read Tim James' awesome new blog.

I am just thankful that God gave me another day to experience new setbacks and new blessings, make one person mad and another happy, tell a friend a secret and that friend return the same.

You know it's a good day when I find that an Oklahoma boy will play a U2 song on his guitar, or that Tim James is a big fan of Lemons, and Kim mentioned me on her blog. Hey, it's almost like SPRING is in the air!?! Have I left anyone out?

Thanks for your time...

Grace and peace,

Barrett "Can you see my ADD sympoms now?" McLain

UNO!

2006-08-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

I found a dollar on my floor! Woo hoo! It was folded up, like it was trying to hide itself among the other debris on my floor. Why would it do that? Does a dollar bill fear being spent? Does it desire stability, to remain in ones' wallet for an extended period of time, or to hide as a "Where's Waldo Dollar" on my floor?

Am I reaching, or what?

This Old Man...

2006-07-29T14:12:00.000-05:00

I was discussing the name of my blog with friend who is about 12 years younger than me. She had no clue about the song "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." "Why would you want to call it 'that?', like it was an afterthought, a name I snagged out the air like a piece of lint.

At that moment, I felt old. REALLY old... Honestly, I am not one to over hype the importance of something, whether it be a band, or an individual. Oh, my friends would say I can get enthusiastic about an issue, but for the most part I am not a crusader. But for those die hard (one word or two?) U2 fans, this song represented the pinnacle, at least in the 80s, of one of the greatest rock bands of all time. For those who can't remember, U2 performed songs that meant something, that represented a place in their journey. Even today, their songs are powerful and speak to people, but at that moment in time U2 was a movement, and I was definitely a follower.

I remember hearing that song for the first time, standing at church camp and hearing the lyrics for the first time. The tears that were born were from the pain inside, and the realization that despite being a Christian and having great friends, I still hadn't found what I was looking for...

"I believe in the Kingdom Come,
when all the colors will bleed into one
bleed into one...yes, I'm still running.

"You broke the bonds, and you loosed the chains
carried the cross of my shame...of my shame.
You know I believe it...

"But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"

To my friend who didn't understand, I have probably made this a MUCH bigger deal that it really is, and besides, you make me laugh with your "I hate the 80s," stance. But that is why I gave this name to this Blog. It's who I am...

Grace and peace,
Bear

...What I'm Looking For

2006-07-27T23:21:00.000-05:00

Possibly my most favorite song of all time. It encompasses so many of the struggles in my life into that one remarkable title. Does it make a good title for a blog? Who knows...but it does describe the hunger of looking for deeper, more meaningful relationships, for honestly stripping away the exteriors until I'm standing as who I really am.

Enough of that, I just thought this would be fun! My friends are all doing it, and I really like to write, so why not. Does anyone care? That's not the point. It's all about expression, I suppose. But what do I know, eh?

Hopefully, I'll be attempting to put some pics on the board for those of you who forgot who I was, or am, and we'll see if I actually get to that soon.

I'm going to sleep...

Grace and peace,
Bear